Chaos

My environment almost always mirrors my headspace.

Chaos.

My living space is chaos. My headspace is chaos.

Everything is out of control, and it’s overwhelming.

And then something happens – I realize this is what I’ve prayed for, it just doesn’t look at all the way I had anticipated. Great.

I believe that as a Christian, it’s my responsibility to continuously ask God to mold me and shape me to His likeness. I made this decision one year and three months ago when I chose to get baptized. I just think it’s part of the deal, you know? He redeems us. He makes us new. He blankets our sin with grace and mercy and love while sacrificing His only Son’s life for us. I figure that it’s the least that I can do to repay what He’s granted me. If all I have to do is ask Him to make me more like Him, and actively pursue an intentional relationship with Him, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

With that being said, navigating life with that mindset over the last year has been turbulent.

Conviction has turned out to be an all-consuming feeling, and not in a great way.

Things I’ve done before, I feel guilty for doing now. Like a ton of things. I’ve spent the better part of the last six months talking to God about baggage and coping-mechanisms, and feelings and mistakes. I came to a place where I realized that I am an Israelite trapped in my own personal Egypt. I could directly relate the toxic patterns in my life to the slavery of Egypt. The hope to escape. The hope for freedom. The promise God gives us is freedom, so long as we relinquish control.

So relinquish control I did. I think.

For weeks I prayed boldly and intentionally for Him to pluck me directly from where I was and to place me on the path He needed me to be on to become exactly who He needs me to be. For Him. For His goodness. Day after day, I would pray. In between praying, I would fuck up. I sin literally all the time. I fib all over the place, without even hesitating. I really figured that He wouldn’t use me when I’m still so messy and new to Him. I run back to Egypt every time I think about not being in control of my life.

Listen to me, we’re never in control.

And here we are now. A month has passed, and God is moving. Loudly. Boldly. Intentionally. In the lives of the people I love. Perspective is shifting, life is changing, and I’m sitting here in awe of it all. I’m excited for the people who are leaving seasons of suffering and walking into seasons of joy, of purpose – but here I am losing control of my life. I feel like I’m drowning, life looks so different so quickly and I’m here with my hands shaking too scared to ask for help.

I find myself here, and then I understand (This didn’t happen right away, just shortly before I decided to write this) that this is my answered prayer. I asked Him to pluck me from where I am and to put me on the path He needs me to be on to become exactly who He needs me to be. He needs me here – in the throes of utter chaos – to relinquish control to Him. How else can He use me if I can’t accept that life isn’t going to be what I demand it to be? It’s like I’m walking through this threshold into a new season of uncertainty blindfolded. I’m letting it consume me, overwhelm me with fear, because it doesn’t look like a gift. Realizing that it is, that it’s Him refining me, I can’t help but to feel hope.

And isn’t that what Jesus is? He’s hope. He’s the promise of a beautiful, perfectly orchestrated future. For the first time in months, I feel peace. Thank you, Jesus. I can’t promise that this won’t be messy, but I can promise that I will try. I just have to open my arms, let Him take the wheel, and play it cool.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. My name is Charlotte. I’m 24, I found Jesus almost a year and a half ago, and I wanted to start a blog to talk through what being a Christian looks like for me. I hope my life might help you understand your life too. I’d love to walk through this together.