Bad Days

I hate feeling bitter

I hate having a bad attitude.

I hate feeling annoyed, not being able to re-route my train of thought, having to sit in the suck.

Is this really what You want for me? I’m not being sarcastic, I’m actually asking. If I have to do it, I will, but is this what healing looks like? Or better yet, growth? I don’t want to subject the people I love to my bullshit attitude, God. It feels unfair to consistently whine about my feelings – actually, it feels weak.

I have this habit of burying the gross, the bad and the ugly. Nobody wants to deal with that, right? And when it bleeds into my outward attitude from my internal monologue, it can be destructive to the people around me.

It’s not like I’ve felt more bad than good, but it’s definitely been pretty equal.

One good day, one bad day, followed by a good day that’s then followed by a bad day.

And the bad days aren’t full of sorrow either, they’re more like 12 hours of a bad attitude. Everything frustrates me. Text messages, red lights, social media, my messy bun – all tiny annoyances that build up. If I don’t want to be around me when I feel like this, how can I expect anyone else to? Walls go up, and I’m trapped within them.

So I ask God, what do I do with these bad days? He won’t tell me. Figures. It doesn’t feel like growth. It doesn’t feel like healing. It feels exhausting. I press into Him, and He’s silent. At least, it seems like He’s silent. So I begrudgingly persist.

I read a lot. I listen to podcasts a lot. I hear these same few phrases worded differently when talking about healing:

• Pull out those feelings and sit with them

• Ask yourself the tough questions, and in the answers you’ll find healing
• Rumble with vulnerability

How does any of that make sense? No concrete steps to take. I pull out these feelings by the roots and I try to make sense of what I see

Loneliness, insecurity, a sense of longing, anxiety, fragility, sadness-

Gross feelings. All gross feelings.

So I say that I see you for what you are, which is unhealthy and toxic. I understand where you came from, because life has shaped you and placed you in my heart, and I accept that these are parts of me that need to die.

And that’s where I’ll sit, that’s the last step of my process. I don’t feel better, I don’t feel peace, and I definitely don’t feel growth. I feel like shit, so I pack them back into my chest and try to navigate through the lingering residual suck they’ve left behind.

So I ask again, am I missing something? What’s the piece of the process I’ve left out?

My dad always told me that it could be worse.

He says to stiffen your upper lip and get over it. There’s weakness in whining. Is that why I repress the bad? I’ve always thought my feelings were too much, that I’m too sensitive. So is that why I bury the suck? Is it because I hate other people’s suck so I assume they’ll hate mine?

But I don’t really hate other people’s suck, it’s usually valid. If you’re suffering, I will ask you to bring it to me. I encourage it. I want to support you and love you and nurture the tender parts of your heart. However, if you’re whining, if you’re putting more weight on your problems than there needs to be, I roll my eyes.

Wow, that was honest.

I’m sorry, guys. It feels mean, but do you do it too? I wonder if this means that I’m scared that you’re going to think I’m putting more weight on my feelings than there needs to be.

But sometimes, even if just for a few moments, it feels like utter warfare in my head, and that has to be valid, right?

It seems fitting that I find myself at the end of my thoughts, sitting with the residual gloom from talking through what I’m feeling. It doesn’t feel better, but it doesn’t feel worse. What I am sure of is that there’s purpose in the process, and I’m in the thick of the process my friends.

Blindly I’ll continue forward following You. I know Your way is the right way, and that my footsteps sink into Yours. I’m sorry for the mess, the curse words, and the whining. I’m grateful for Your mercy and Your reckless love, especially on days like today when it feels like I just don’t deserve it. And for anyone in the real world who finds me on a day like this, I thank you for the grace you extend me – because even if I feel like I don’t deserve it, you give it to me anyways. Thank you guys and thank you Jesus, for walking through this with me.